Meeting my beautiful baby boy

As I am getting set up in ICU and connected to the machines, I have no thoughts particularly, just trying to digest the situation…… I was numb. I was in survival mode for myself, however couldn’t imagine continuing life without my son. Once I was set up medically I said to Dennis “I am ready to meet him, I want to see him”. My parents brought baby Dennis down from the maternity ward, I saw them arrive outside the window. My mum was carrying him. I looked up to Dennis with complete terror in my eyes, is this really happening, is this really true, am I about to meet my baby boy who was no longer alive? I was craving to see him, I wanted to lay eyes upon my beautiful child, I wanted him in my arms but I was terrified to accept the situation. I asked my parents to stay outside of the room when I met him for the first time. I did this purely because I had no idea how I was going to react, and I wanted to be able to absolutely fall apart (without breaking my parents already broken hearts). I wanted to just, be. Dennis walked our son into the room, he was all wrapped in blankets looking snug and warm, and to be honest…alive. As Dennis placed him in my arms and I laid eyes upon my handsome baby boy, my body shook, and I just exhaled all the life I had left in me with a deep soul shattering groan. Every cell, every nerve, every fibre throbbed in pain. All air left my lungs and time stood completely still. It was at this point my world completely stopped turning and life will never be the same as we know it. I will never be the same. “My god, you are so beautiful my son, beyond perfect” I thought to myself. He was so beautiful, I couldn’t believe how handsome my boy was, I was so in love all over again. “You are perfect in every way, oh my boy I absolutely love you” I thought to myself. I was filled with the deepest love and the deepest heartache at the same time. I just held onto my boy and cried. I admired him in every way, I couldn’t stop looking at him, couldn’t stop kissing him and I couldn’t stop repeating over and over “my son, I am so sorry”. “My god, my son I love you, I love you, I love you”. I didn’t sleep at all that night, and have not really slept ever since. Our son Dennis stayed with us for the remainder of our 4-5 days spent in hospital. I will forever cherish those days and be grateful that we got that time with him, most families only get a couple of hours or a day or 2. I needed to be with him, I needed that time to ‘be his mother’ in the living realm. I needed to tend to my babies needs, to change him, cuddle him, dress him. That’s my baby, I just needed him to be with me and his daddy. I needed to imprint him on my body and in my memory (free from the trauma) so I can remember everything about him, his hands, his feet, his nose, his smell, everything. Forever is a long time to miss someone, and I wanted to make sure as the years pass and I wait this lifetime to meet my sweet boy again I can hold onto him not only in the spiritual realm but in our physical one as well.

Dennis Bruce Cooper, I am so privileged you chose me. I am so blessed to have been given the title of being your mother. My son, too beautiful for this earth – I love you.