The dance with grief

In the beginning the grief was overwhelming. I couldn’t function, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t eat for over 8 days afterwards. I cried more then a million tears over a thousand times. I would spend most days crying, and if I wasn’t crying I was questioning everything I know about my belief system, life, god, angels, the spiritual realm. The endless how’s and why’s of the situation. Why didn’t I die if this pain is all I am going to be living with. Why didn’t he survive, what if we magically knew this was going to happen and I got to the hospital in time. How would I convince the Drs something is wrong. I was so overcome with devastation. I found it hard to interact with my daughter because I was still so unwell and sore and was not able to hold her or pick her up. She is a demanding 2 year old who relied upon me for everything and I couldn’t function enough to deal with her every day needs. My partner and my family were incredible with my daughter and with me actually. My daughter was my saving grace, but also brought me the greatest guilt. I felt guilty I couldn’t interact with her, or bring her little brother home to her, or that my constant crying may have left her feeling confused. I felt and still feel guilty that my patience is still limited.

My partner and I grieve differently, my partner wanted us to be around people to show me how loved we were, how loved our son was and that we were not alone. I, on the other hand wanted to lay in the room cry and be exhausted on my own, be completely vulnerable around only my immediate family. The key to us becoming closer through this experience is being gentle with each other being each others number 1 supporter and allowing us to grieve in our own way. I am so very grateful that Dennis allowed me to grieve how I wanted and encouraged me to welcome his grieving style. I didn’t know I needed what he wanted (to be around friends and family) but I did, and by engaging in Dennis’ grief style it helped me remarkably. The support was overwhelming and somewhat comforting. I will be forever grateful for those who came to see us, meet our son and for those who cried with us, or just hugged us. I found that by people reaching out to me brought a warmth to my heart , even if I was not able to respond to them it helped me so much when I would receive a ‘thinking of you message’. I didn’t want to be alone but I didn’t want to be around people having general conversation. I literally only wanted to talk about what happened and my son. This is when I started experiencing the silence with my stillbirth.

I am still so early in my grief process, however I am able to function these days. Functioning and being in complete pain are 2 very different things. My heart is still aching and I still cry often, I am still so confused and heartbroken, I still see a counselor, I still do everything a grieving person does, only I can function better with every day life. I am not always in such a debilitated state 24/7. My blogs will continue to talk about my grief and my journey of discovering how to dance with the price of love; grief.