“Hey, how are you”….. the 4 words that made me want to SCREAM every time I heard them. I know people didn’t and still don’t know what to say to me, but that question is so frustrating. What could I say when I was asked that? My response become a short half smile with a shoulder shrug met with silence. The truth is when I was asked this question I wanted to say “How am I? I am devastated, broken, wanting to die (but not suicidal), hating the world, confused, not hungry but pressured to eat, exhausted, not functioning, not coping, questioning what I did in this lifetime that was so bad to deserve this, wondering if my son is in heaven – I was not even sure at that point if heaven existed, panicking that my son was crying and looking for me and the list goes on.
I would have preferred to be asked “how are you feeling”, that way I could have answered honestly with a “not good, or I am struggling”. This question would allow me to be honest and reassure me that my feelings are validated. This question allows my feelings to be acknowledged and I can actually respond with words. This question made me feel like my feelings mattered and the person asking was genuinely wanting to know how I felt. I felt like I had so much I wanted to say in the earlier days but no one would ask. I didn’t feel like I wanted to initiate the conversation because I would be met with an uncomfortable silence as the person in front of me tries to fathom the loss of a child or what to say to parents who have lost a child.
I am not having a dig at those who asked “how are you”, because I completely understand there seems to be no words to say to grieving parents, I wouldn’t know what to say if the shoe was on the other foot. If you are unsure about what to say, just use gentle words or a simple “I am so sorry”, maybe a warm hug, or even say you will remember their child.
Angel Babies ~ No more silent stillbirths 