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To blog or not
I have never known a pain so raw, deep, intense – the feeling is absolutely indescribable. I could never do my feelings or the feelings of my family justice when talking about the amount of pain OR love we have experienced from the stillbirth of our son Dennis Bruce Cooper. I knew I wanted to raise awareness on stillbirth, and I found comfort in my story being told to those close to me. I decided I wanted to write my thoughts and feelings down and really found a safe place reading other families’ experiences. At times it helped me think about my situation from a different angle, and sometimes realise how lucky I am to be alive and with a supportive family and healthy daughter. I was unsure about making my story and inner personal feelings known to the world so I looked to my partner for reassurance I suppose. His response “it may be good babe, for people to understand what we went through, so they know – so they can see. Maybe this is your way to stop the silence, stop the bulls**t silence about stillbirth”.
I was forced to travel, travel a long painful road called life without my son – missing him intensely every single day. For what purpose? Of this I am still unsure. What I do know is, I also have many blessings both before and after my son went to meet our family in the sky. My blog will tell my story, some detailed – others not, some will express my inner most raw thoughts and feelings – others just scrambled confusion. So here I am, about to press publish on some of the most traumatic, raw, angry, personal, confused, (and hopefully in the future) optimistic and hopeful internal feelings I will feel in my lifetime.
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How do I parent a child no longer alive?
“2 KIDS”, I bark at someone who only mentioned I have one. A completely innocent mistake on their behalf, but I am trying to navigate parenting both a living child and one that has died.Parenting doesn’t stop because they are no longer here. As Dennis’ mother, I have a deep rooted maternal instinct to look…
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The goodbye that will haunt me for a lifetime
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The dance with grief
In the beginning the grief was overwhelming. I couldn’t function, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t eat for over 8 days afterwards. I cried more then a million tears over a thousand times. I would spend most days crying, and if I wasn’t crying I was questioning everything I know about my belief system, life, god,…
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The question that made me want to scream
“Hey, how are you”….. the 4 words that made me want to SCREAM every time I heard them. I know people didn’t and still don’t know what to say to me, but that question is so frustrating. What could I say when I was asked that? My response become a short half smile with a…
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My son’s funeral
We waited 6 weeks to have our son’s funeral. This was in part that we wanted it planned to perfection, and a big part was that I didn’t want to have to say the final goodbye. I wanted him on earth as long as I could. I am glad we waited though, I was at…
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Meeting my beautiful baby boy
As I am getting set up in ICU and connected to the machines, I have no thoughts particularly, just trying to digest the situation…… I was numb. I was in survival mode for myself, however couldn’t imagine continuing life without my son. Once I was set up medically I said to Dennis “I am ready…
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The whole story
7 September 2021 started as a normal day. My partner (Dennis) and I were at home with our 2 year old daughter. She was eating nutella toast, he was having his usual morning coffee. We were sitting around together laughing and enjoying the day. We were expecting to head out at lunch time for a…
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To blog or not
I knew I wanted to raise awareness on stillbirth, and I found comfort in my story being told to those close to me. I decided I wanted to write my thoughts and feelings down and really found a safe place reading other families’ experiences. At times it helped me think about my situation from a…
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Angel Babies ~ No more silent stillbirths 